Background:
For a few weeks now I've been so busy with school that I neglected my “quiet time” just about every day. A couple times in there I had some “really good Bible reading times” but I haven't really talked to God as a relationship for quite some time. I really need to because I really need to, but to add to that I'm looking for a job and I haven't really handed it over to God yet. I thought I had a job, and I might, but they haven't called me to schedule work for me yet, and it seems as though God is just holding them off until I return to Him. I do need the money for next semester, and it looks rather feasible, IF God puts me into a decent job. Furthermore, since I came back to Moody, I've been somewhat disoriented as to what my aim within a Moody education should be – Bible or Youth Ministry major – and besides this specific unsurity, there is a disorientation just about my path in life, about future plans, goals, desires. I'm beginning to realize that I haven't had the light on. Without God's direction active in my life through my constant seeking Him, I'm lost. When I don't have alone time with God, to talk and trust, the light grows dim, and I don't know where to go. With God, I just feel rather distant. Like the idea of Him is here, but He is not. Like He's just outside my door, still accessible, but I haven't had him in my room to visit for a while. Classes, chapels, and conversations are all about God, but seldom with God. That has been my problem. I've learned about God, but haven't been with Him, haven't known Him intimately for a long time, haven't experienced the relationship that I should be having with Him. No I'm not an “experiential” Christian, but I believe that relationships are experiential more than anything else (the experience based on correct and intimate knowledge of the other), and this is exactly what God intended when He created us, when He came down to us, and when He died for us.
Prayer:
God, Why have I forsaken You? Why have I neglected You? I've gotten so caught up in school, in learning about You, that I've lost track of actually knowing You. Father, I really want to know You. I want to intimately know You. God, give me Your love, show me your lovingkindness. I want to be with You again. Lord, help me find my way. I am lost, and Your light has grown dim in my life. God, please come near to me, so I can feel Your presence, so I can know You care, so I know You're here. Thank you God, I feel You are near now, and not far away where I had placed You before.
God, please give me vision, to see ahead, to see where to go, where to set my bearings. Or if you want me to stay with the current moment, without knowledge of Your plans for my future, then help me to understand that that's where You want me. I don't know right now. God, I've been one of Your children who “doesn't know,” who “doesn't understand” (Isaiah 1). Father, I believe where I went wrong is when I trusted you a little, but when the going got harder, I didn't trust you more. I took more responsibility and put it on my own plate, not sharing it equally with you like I should. When I have more responsibility, I need to talk to You even more, God. I am only a man, and You know my limits. You can work the rest when I am lacking.
Father, my heart needs changed. In order to have You, to want You, to need You, in every moment of my life, my heart needs changed. Lord, I don't want to live this life without You. I don't want to live one second without You, because to do so would be estranging You, sinning. God, keep my heart and flesh and mind. They are Yours now, but they may not be Yours tomorrow. I want them to be Your always! Perhaps it's because I never give them completely over to You, because You would never give them back if I had.
Take my life, I lay it down, to You who's crowned. I give all my pride, I give all of me. Lord take my flesh, take my mind. Take it all, and keep it all. Father I don't want it back. It should never have been mine. Why I've held on to it I don't know. Give me wisdom, give me Christ – give me You. Only You, Lord, only You. I will worship only You. I will work for only You. Lord, every second is only for You. If you wanted me to lay on my side for 390 days, yea for the rest of my life, I would be pleased to serve You. Only make me sure of my calling so I will know how to please You best, God. Oh, why did I ever leave? But now, lead me on and I will run after You!
I've run the other direction so many times, so far I've gone without knowing it. But while I flee, You sang to me over and over and over again. So I lay my head back down, and I lift my hands and pray to be only Yours, I pray to be only Yours – I know now You're my only Hope. Sing to me the song of the stars, of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again. When it feels like my dreams are so far, sing for me of the plans that you have for me over again. So I lay my head back down, and I lift my hands and pray to be only Yours – I pray to be only Yours – I know now You're my only hope. I give you my destiny; I'm giving you all of me. I want your symphony – singing in all that I am to Your glory. And at the top of my lungs, I'll give it back. So I lay my head back down, and I lift my hands and pray to be only Yours – I pray to be only Yours – I know now You're my only hope left to glorify You.
Solution:
How often do we talk about God and talk with God in our conversations with our friends? How much do we really engage God in chapels? Our classes are either learning human things that are useful for learning and teaching about God, or learning about God directly, even being amazed at God at times, but how much do we engage God in our classes? Proverbs 3:7 says, “In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.” I think this is exactly the verse for me at this time. I've mused about it for years, how we dampen the importance of that first phrase, “acknowledge Him in all your ways.” What does it mean?! Really, what implications does that have? What should we do? “Acknowledge Him in all your ways” -- give Him credit for things as we talk about it – not only that, but thank Him on the spot for good things! We sometimes do it privately, why not do it publicly? If someone mentions the weather is nice, say “Thank-you God!” You might want to say “Praise God” or “Thank God,” but my emphasis is actually talk to God! When you're in a conversation, if you have a God-centered mindset, you will think about everything as it relates to God. If someone complains about the food in the SDR, you will think about it with God in mind. God as the Source, God as the Giver of good things, God as our Provider, God as the one who oversees everything that comes into our lives. Do you want to complain about the food now? And with this mindset, every conversation will have the good and the bad. I believe we must learn to talk to God in our conversations with our friends. I should literally treat every one-on-one conversation as a 3-person conversation, with God standing there with us. Because I believe He Is.
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